I've Had An Epiphany...

Epiphany? Well maybe. I originally titled this blog "Amanda and Me". I am sorry for interjecting my biography in your life. I've seen the light. I've changed the title to "Amanda and Us". She made everyone of our lives better. Ya'll KNOW she did.

While I have shared whatever you had to say about Amanda, this blog is not a tribute to me. Why should I make it that way by titling it in such a way? Well, in a faint attempt to justify myself, I'm a self centered human being. Now do you understand? OK, denial is the first step to recovery. Amanda was BIGGER than me, than my relationship with her as dad, friend, brother in Christ. Amanda was a giant when it came to RELATIONSHIP! She was OUR friend! Not just mine.

Many who knew Amanda had no idea she had Cystic Fibrosis. She wanted it that way. She just wanted a "normal" life. Often times, she would get too much attention, of a negative kind, when people discovered she had CF. Since she was SO relational, it hurt her when she wasn't accepted for who she was in spite of CF. She was artsy, loving, kind, country, cool, loving, smart (both street and book), tough, really tough, a loyal friend who would launch you if you dissed her closest friends and especially her family. She was a true red, white and blue Texan. Her bloodline was Scottish and Jewish ROYALTY and she was a ball breaking pistol. Oh, and she had CF. One of her favorite sayings was "F__K CF". By the way, tough guys- she could drink ANY and maybe all of us under the table. She was a ball breaker.

There, that's a little about what I know about Amanda Elizabeth "Braveheart" Warnock - Cross. If you have something to add, either comment or email me at jimdwarnock@gmail.com and I will share what you know about Amanda. Please don't spare the details...

Thank you.

Thank You

When I started Amanda and Me, I sub-titled it Amanda "Braveheart" Warnock Cross - from her dad's point of view. She was still alive and we still had hope that she would recover. People were engaged with the blog from the very beginning. We all know she didn't make it, but she fought until the end. People continued to be engaged with the blog. We've shared stories of Amanda from other contributors and hope to share more. We want to say a sincere THANK YOU to all who've read, commented, shared and contributed. Your care for Amanda while alive and your memories now have been extremely comforting to her sisters, her mother and me.

It has almost been a month since she went to be with Jesus, and her loved ones are still grieving. Her mother, her sister's and I know without a doubt where she is and that she is happy. While she was far from perfect while in this life (as none of us are) she is closer now to perfection than ever and we know she will be made perfect in the Resurrection. Having said these things, I would still ask that you would continue to pray for those who still grieve her absence...

• Please continue to lift Cody in your prayers. He is still having a very hard time and needs your prayers for him in the present. Please pray that his decisions will honor Amanda's memory. Please pray for his future. Pray that it will be good. Pray that he will find love again. He's far too young to live life alone. He turned 22 just two days before the funeral. In Genesis 2:18 we read...The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." NIV. We know that Amanda, in her current state, would not want Cody to live his entire life without someone to love and marry and give Gina those grandbabies that would have literally killed Amanda to have. Please pray for a bright future for Cody.
• Please pray for Amanda's sisters Rachel and Jessica. They are VERY strong women, just like Amanda and their mother. Still, they loved her, they miss her and they need the comfort that only God can give them. Jessica was Amanda's closest confidant and friend. She and Amanda would talk for hours on the phone and tell each other things that they could only share with each other. Jessica knows more about who Amanda really was than anybody. Jessica's feelings at this time seem to be the most neglected or shall we say, taken for granted. As her twin, her bond is different than any of ours and she needs to be lifted up by our prayers. She is an excellent wife, an amazing mother, a loving daughter and a big part of her has gone ahead to Heaven. She really misses Amanda and while the rest of us were consoled and comforted by many people, she and her relationship have been the least understood. We need your prayers for her. Drop her a message on Facebook too, to let her know you care.
• Please continue to pray for Veronica. She worked so hard to care for Amanda for the best part of 22 years and worried while she was so far away, alone, in the cold ugly Seattle winter. Veronica really misses Amanda
• Pray for Cody's mom and dad. Guide them to guide him and his future, They are very close to Cody and love him very much.
• I want to thank you for your prayers, kind words and consideration. Thank you for loving my little girl and the rest of the Warnocks. While no man is an island, and I still need your prayers, I know that my Redeemer Lives and that Amanda is in His loving arms and that all things work together for good for those who love God. Amanda's death has brought out strength and courage that I did not know was there. I fear no evil, and will confront it when I see it. I think Amanda believed that strength was always there, though. It seemed like she read most people fairly well. When you pray for us, you are honoring Amanda, so again, thank you.

I will continue this blog until no one reads it any more. That is currently not a problem. We have had well over 8000 page views so far. I hope to feature stories about other CFers, and hope to use this blog to garner more donations for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundtion as they fight for a cure. Thank you to all who have donated as an outcome of Amanda going home. For those of you who mentioned Amanda while making your donation, we receive a letter from CFF and it warms our hearts to see your support for our cause. While we all grieve differently, this blog has been part of my therapy and recovery and I thank you for that. So it's good bye... until the next post. Again, thank you and may God bless each of you

Michael and Amanda...

Michael was a youth counselor at Brackenridge Hospital in Austin when Amanda was younger. Amanda was a big fan of Michael. He's a great guy, who really loved our daughter and cheered her up and on in dark times. We know he has been an inspiration to many people and continues to be. We thank God for the wonderful people, like Michael, that were brought into our lives because of this hideous disease. This is an image of Michael and Amanda, taken around that time. As an aside, Amanda's shirt designs are legendary. She entered the illustration competition twice and won twice. The shirt she is wearing is one of those designs. Michael commented on a recent post, and I wanted to share it with everyone...

"Thank you Jim.

I remember Amanda from when she was a patient at the "old" Austin Children's Hospital, back when she was about 12 years old. She had such a fire and spunk that light up the room. She used to beat me at the board game "Clue" repeatedly. Her life is an inspiration to me too even though we didn't stay in touch. Her life is a testimony to true faith and unwavering morals. Yalls family always seemed very close. She accomplished her goals and showed us how to live and love. I am sorry she is gone, I am sorry for your loss, and I hope that her life can inspire the rest of us to never give up, no matter what."

Amanda loved Kandy

Cody said at one point that I should make a post about Amanda and her dog Kandy. This is that post, and it comes at a time when loss is being piled on top of loss for us, as Kandy was a huge part of our family for 10 years.

Amanda had been asking her mom for quite some time for an inside dog. Amanda wanted, needed a puppy she could love and raise and call her own. We could think of a multitude of reason for not wanting a dog in the house. Living in the country made us fearful of fleas. Puppies are messy and destructive. On and on. As usual though, Amanda prevailed. On November 1, 2001 we all piled in the old pickup truck (me on crutches from knee surgery) and headed to San Antonio to "look at" a couple of pups a lady had. That is when Kandy came into our lives. She was this dirty, scruffy, flea infested half rat terrier half Bichon puppy, would spent most of her days in the ladies back yard. She'd been born in July, so she was a few months old. We feel in love with her. All five of us. Amanda named her Kandy because she was this little puff ball that looked like cotton candy.

We brought her home that night. Veronica cleaned her up, and she was beautiful. Her potty training went very smooth. She tore up a few flip flops along the way, but proved to be an amazingly intelligent, fast learning part of the family. So much so that she traveled with us to see dear friends in Roswell, NM later that month, without incident. She became a major member of our family. Her legal name is Kandy Warnock (as the vet knows her).

Kandy was quite playful and loved to fetch tennis balls. I could throw her ball from one end of the house to the other and she would fetch it and bring it back to me and have me play for long measures of time. It never got old for her.

Amanda taught Kandy to do amazing tricks, and Kandy would get tired of those and "talk" back to Amanda, or whoever was making her perform for them.

Kandy loved her people and hated being separated from any of us. If there was a closed door with one of her people on the other side, she would whine until we gave in to her. She was also a very vocal dog, and would let out a scream almost, when ever any of us would return home from being away for even a short time.

When Amanda was away from home during one of her many hospitalizations, Kandy would sleep on the floor, halfway between the front door and Amanda's bedroom. That was the only time she would not sleep with Amanda or under Veronica and my bed. If she started a night under our bed, she would end up in Amanda's bed before the morning. She instinctively knew when Amanda was in the hospital. She was such a smart, amazing dog.

Amanda told Veronica that she wanted her to have Kandy. It seems that won't happen. Cody's parents promised to bring her back from Washington to be with her real family, but now they have decided to keep Kandy. We ask that you pray that we will get Kandy back, as Amanda wanted.

Strength...

According to one of the on-line dictionaries, strength can be defined as... moral power, firmness, or courage. Amanda was a very strong person. Amanda had the ability to strengthen those around her. We've found, through losing her, who among those she left behind are really strong, like Amanda would have wanted them to be. 


Amanda married, moved far from home, made a home for her and Cody, alone and sick, while her husband was deployed. That's strength coupled with courage and love. She WOULD NOT allow Cystic Fibrosis to stand in her way, and rarely even let people know she had CF. She hated enabling and refused to be enabled. Again, so strong.


Amanda would be very angry if her family, friends, loved ones stopped living and hid under a rock. It would hurt her to see us give up and not keep living. She would have wanted each of us to get up and go teach, or repair appliances, or go to school, or work at our jobs, or continue to book and shoot weddings. Amanda would want Cody to continue his Navy career. Amanda would want her brothers-in-law, who she loved deeply to continue their pursuits. She would have wanted her nieces and nephews to go on with their educations and to grow up to be productive adults. Strong people were her favorites. She didn't have much time for people who gave up. She fought until the very end.


To grieve the loss of a loved one and to cry is natural and not a sign of weakness. Giving up is. We are all grieving her death and missing her presence, but Amanda will kick our butts when we get to heaven if we wallow in our grief and give up. As hard as it can be at times, we need to be strong. Much of the strength we have, we have because of her. She left us this strength to be part of a lasting legacy in remembrance of her, and to show one minute of doubt and weakness would only serve to diminish that beautiful legacy.


Veronica and I were her mom and dad for 22 years. We knew her BETTER than any one. In her honor, we will use every ounce of strength that Amanda has given us over those 22 years, to continue to be the people she knew we are. Many of our friends have surrounded us with their love and care. They've wrapped us in their prayers, they've flooded us with their sincere condolences. As her closest friends, as her loving parents, her card playing, camping, wedding shooting, drinking buddies, it would be easy and even accepted by those friends for us to show weakness. Amanda would say, unequivocally... BULLSHIT! Were we to give up, I can almost hear her exact words - "Mom, Dad stop it! Get your heads out of your asses and BE STRONG!" We will choose to do just that! 

If you were a friend or loved one of Amanda, please honor her memory by being strong. She gave you much of that strength.

Rachel and Amanda...

This post written by Rachel, Amanda's big sister. Be sure to check out the pictures at the end...

My sister has always been my biggest encourager.  She always had faith in me, even when I couldn’t, saying to me ‘Rachel I love you, I believe in you.’  That’s all it took.  Even coming from my baby sister I would hang on her every word.  Amanda was beyond thoughtful, I was always secretly trying to be as brave and strong as her.  The memories abound, one of the first ones came to me while I was looking at pictures the day Amanda passed.  I was in my living room when my daughter Gwendalyn came up to me.  She looked at me, smiled.  Gwen said, “Mommy sad?”.  I replied, “Yes mommy sad, I miss aunt Momo.”.   My sweet daughter smiled again and in such clear words said to me, “Mommy, Momo home with Jesus.  Momo happy. Mommy happy too. “ .  I was astounded.  I had not said anything to her about what had happened, Gwen had only turned two a short month ago.  How could my sweet girl just happen to put those words together?   Those words?  I know it was another way for me to find comfort.  I just could not believe my ears.

So I began to think of the special bond Amanda had with each one of her nieces and nephews.  Amanda was the cool aunt that brought them treats, would play the games with the kids and when it was time to change a diaper she would hand them back to their mom in real cool aunt fashion.  Gwenny took to aunt Momo immediately.  When I had Gwen, I ended up having to have an emergency c-section after being induced.  It wasn’t what I had pictured at all, but was all worth it when I laid eyes on my sweet girl.  One thing that did happen was Gwen’s name.  Her full name is Gwendalyn Elizabeth Nelson.  Jacob and I had struggled with girl names, we did know that we wanted to name our first daughter after my sister.  I wanted my daughter to be like her.  To me brave, kind, loving, honorable, adventurous, and  blessing to all who meet her.  We decided that it would be weird to use Amanda’s first name so we used her middle name as Gwen’s, Elizabeth. 

Amanda lived in another state at the time and told me she wouldn’t be able to come to meet Gwen for another two months.  I cried and cried.  Here I named my daughter after you and you can’t come!  My little sister wanted to fight.  Ha.  As I waited at home for my parents to come over, who pops through my front door to wrap her arms around me from the backside of my couch?  My sweet beautiful sister,  it ment the world to me to have her there.  I found out later that Amanda had planned the whole thing, she wouldn’t even tell Jessica because she knew Jessica would tell me and ruin the surprise.  To watch Amanda with Gwenny was magical.  Manda was so unsure, but Gwenny she just knew… it’s aunt Momo… she just gazed at her unable to move her stare from those blue eyes. 

My sister is my hero, she is the strongest person I have ever known.  I was so blessed to have her as my sister.  I wouldn’t be the sister, wife, mother, friend or teacher I am today without her.  When I want to give up I look to her.  When I want to second guess something or just go for it, I choose to just go for it and live.  She inspires me to fight for what I know is right.  Through her I have been taught what real compassion is, to care more about others than yourself.  To love like crazy so that no one will ever look back and question if they were loved by me. 

Amanda was the picture of living.  Not letting this awful disease bring her sweet soul down.  She was determined from the beginning to succeed.  I rejoice in my baby sister going home.  She means the world to me and always will.  My daughter will know her.  She will be shown what an amazing woman her aunt was and who I wish for her to be like.  I miss you sister… I really really miss you. 

Laura and Amanda...

Mr. Warnock,

First of all please accept my deepest sympathy and condolences for the loss of your daughter. I was informed of her passing today by another USS Stennis spouse. I didn't recognize the name but I googled her non the less so that I could learn more about the girl that brought my friend to tears when she told me that she was gone. I found your blog and quickly realized that I did know her, not in name but in face. You see I met Amanda last year at the NEX in Washington. I was a frazzled mother in the checkout line with a 2 year old and she was the sweet young lady playing peek-a-boo with my son. She could tell that I was having a rough time with him throwing an absolute fit and she just wanted to make him smile so that I could have a moment of peace.

I'm horrible at remembering names but I never seem to forget a face. I'll never forget her's that day when she tried to help a stranger with a sad little boy. For days later my son asked if we could go see the lady with the pretty hair at the store. We never saw her again but tonight when I saw her picture he climbed in my lap, and a year later he said "Look Mommy it's Pretty Hair Lady"

I hope my memory could bring you some joy. You raised a remarkable young woman that could touch someone's life with a simple smile. Thank you.

All our prayers,

Laura Benner