Strength...

According to one of the on-line dictionaries, strength can be defined as... moral power, firmness, or courage. Amanda was a very strong person. Amanda had the ability to strengthen those around her. We've found, through losing her, who among those she left behind are really strong, like Amanda would have wanted them to be. 


Amanda married, moved far from home, made a home for her and Cody, alone and sick, while her husband was deployed. That's strength coupled with courage and love. She WOULD NOT allow Cystic Fibrosis to stand in her way, and rarely even let people know she had CF. She hated enabling and refused to be enabled. Again, so strong.


Amanda would be very angry if her family, friends, loved ones stopped living and hid under a rock. It would hurt her to see us give up and not keep living. She would have wanted each of us to get up and go teach, or repair appliances, or go to school, or work at our jobs, or continue to book and shoot weddings. Amanda would want Cody to continue his Navy career. Amanda would want her brothers-in-law, who she loved deeply to continue their pursuits. She would have wanted her nieces and nephews to go on with their educations and to grow up to be productive adults. Strong people were her favorites. She didn't have much time for people who gave up. She fought until the very end.


To grieve the loss of a loved one and to cry is natural and not a sign of weakness. Giving up is. We are all grieving her death and missing her presence, but Amanda will kick our butts when we get to heaven if we wallow in our grief and give up. As hard as it can be at times, we need to be strong. Much of the strength we have, we have because of her. She left us this strength to be part of a lasting legacy in remembrance of her, and to show one minute of doubt and weakness would only serve to diminish that beautiful legacy.


Veronica and I were her mom and dad for 22 years. We knew her BETTER than any one. In her honor, we will use every ounce of strength that Amanda has given us over those 22 years, to continue to be the people she knew we are. Many of our friends have surrounded us with their love and care. They've wrapped us in their prayers, they've flooded us with their sincere condolences. As her closest friends, as her loving parents, her card playing, camping, wedding shooting, drinking buddies, it would be easy and even accepted by those friends for us to show weakness. Amanda would say, unequivocally... BULLSHIT! Were we to give up, I can almost hear her exact words - "Mom, Dad stop it! Get your heads out of your asses and BE STRONG!" We will choose to do just that! 

If you were a friend or loved one of Amanda, please honor her memory by being strong. She gave you much of that strength.

Rachel and Amanda...

This post written by Rachel, Amanda's big sister. Be sure to check out the pictures at the end...

My sister has always been my biggest encourager.  She always had faith in me, even when I couldn’t, saying to me ‘Rachel I love you, I believe in you.’  That’s all it took.  Even coming from my baby sister I would hang on her every word.  Amanda was beyond thoughtful, I was always secretly trying to be as brave and strong as her.  The memories abound, one of the first ones came to me while I was looking at pictures the day Amanda passed.  I was in my living room when my daughter Gwendalyn came up to me.  She looked at me, smiled.  Gwen said, “Mommy sad?”.  I replied, “Yes mommy sad, I miss aunt Momo.”.   My sweet daughter smiled again and in such clear words said to me, “Mommy, Momo home with Jesus.  Momo happy. Mommy happy too. “ .  I was astounded.  I had not said anything to her about what had happened, Gwen had only turned two a short month ago.  How could my sweet girl just happen to put those words together?   Those words?  I know it was another way for me to find comfort.  I just could not believe my ears.

So I began to think of the special bond Amanda had with each one of her nieces and nephews.  Amanda was the cool aunt that brought them treats, would play the games with the kids and when it was time to change a diaper she would hand them back to their mom in real cool aunt fashion.  Gwenny took to aunt Momo immediately.  When I had Gwen, I ended up having to have an emergency c-section after being induced.  It wasn’t what I had pictured at all, but was all worth it when I laid eyes on my sweet girl.  One thing that did happen was Gwen’s name.  Her full name is Gwendalyn Elizabeth Nelson.  Jacob and I had struggled with girl names, we did know that we wanted to name our first daughter after my sister.  I wanted my daughter to be like her.  To me brave, kind, loving, honorable, adventurous, and  blessing to all who meet her.  We decided that it would be weird to use Amanda’s first name so we used her middle name as Gwen’s, Elizabeth. 

Amanda lived in another state at the time and told me she wouldn’t be able to come to meet Gwen for another two months.  I cried and cried.  Here I named my daughter after you and you can’t come!  My little sister wanted to fight.  Ha.  As I waited at home for my parents to come over, who pops through my front door to wrap her arms around me from the backside of my couch?  My sweet beautiful sister,  it ment the world to me to have her there.  I found out later that Amanda had planned the whole thing, she wouldn’t even tell Jessica because she knew Jessica would tell me and ruin the surprise.  To watch Amanda with Gwenny was magical.  Manda was so unsure, but Gwenny she just knew… it’s aunt Momo… she just gazed at her unable to move her stare from those blue eyes. 

My sister is my hero, she is the strongest person I have ever known.  I was so blessed to have her as my sister.  I wouldn’t be the sister, wife, mother, friend or teacher I am today without her.  When I want to give up I look to her.  When I want to second guess something or just go for it, I choose to just go for it and live.  She inspires me to fight for what I know is right.  Through her I have been taught what real compassion is, to care more about others than yourself.  To love like crazy so that no one will ever look back and question if they were loved by me. 

Amanda was the picture of living.  Not letting this awful disease bring her sweet soul down.  She was determined from the beginning to succeed.  I rejoice in my baby sister going home.  She means the world to me and always will.  My daughter will know her.  She will be shown what an amazing woman her aunt was and who I wish for her to be like.  I miss you sister… I really really miss you.